Wednesday Letters

I just finished reading a book called "Wednesday Letters" by Jason Wright. Besides being a great book it has me wondering about my life. The story in a nut shell is about a couple who unexpectedly die together in each others arms after almost forty years of marriage. Three children survive them and as they are going through their personal effects realize that their father has written a letter to their mother faithfully every week on Wednesday for forty years. What a treasure...as they go through the letters they get to know their parents all over again...discover some things they didn't know...but are comforted and realize how much their parents love each other. The letters help each of them in their own way deal with some difficulties of life they are going through. I wonder how realistic the story is and if there would really be a man to accomplish such a wonderful deed but it stirred my soul. On my birthday this year I will turn 60. A milestone I know...but it has me wondering just how much time I have left....and what will my children have of ME when I am gone. Maybe it is a little "mid" life crisis too late. Over the years I have tried many times to keep a journal with a little success but not alot.I did write my early life history for them so I guess I have done a little. When my mom died I had nothing of her thoughts or feelings to comfort me. When my dad died it was very unexpected, we had only known each other for four years, but I had several letters he had written me..over the years when I have missed him they have brought me comfort. It seems to me that when I have adversity in my life I find it hard to put my feelings on paper, as in a journal, even when good things happen. Hopefully this book will spur me on to write a little more of my thoughts and feelings. A legacy for better word to my children and grandchildren, who I love more than life itself, that it might bring them comfort and a recollection of good memories of me when I am no longer here. I think I finally understand why the brethren have always encouraged us to write the experiences of our lives and good or bad they will be a treasures possession for our posterity.I am grateful to have read this book, it helped me to realize just what is important to leave to your children.

Broken Hearted

Our sweet Asher was born on August 25th 2012. Shortly after his birth he developed a need for oxygen which perplexed the doctors and kept him in the nic unit for five days before they discovered a congenital heart defect. He had a diminished aortic arch and needed immediate open heart surgery to save his life. He was transferred from Intermountain Health to Primary children's hospital my ambulance.It was a horrible day for all of us especially Willie and Chelsea. As I stood in the back round as nurses, doctors, emergency personnel came at Chelsea from all sides, I felt so helpless, there was nothing I could do but stand out of the way and wait. Willie rode in the ambulance with Asher and Chelsea and I followed in the car. It was the longest 20 min drive I could remember ever having.After a short stay in the nic unit there he was transferred to the cardiac intensive care unit. They very quickly decided to do the surgery on Monday ...four days later..they kept his valve open with medication over the weekend. Many prayers and fasting took place that weekend on Ashers behalf. Many friends and co workers and even in some cases strangers, many members of our faith, and many members of other faiths, petitioned Heavenly Father on his behalf. It was a very long weekend..we spent as much time as possible at the hospital with him. It quickly became obvious to us that we were not alone. There were many babies in this intensive care. All with some form of congenital heart defect. Many worse than Asher. Monday morning came way too fast, and before we knew it Chelsea was wheeling Asher down the long hallway to the surgery. They took him from her and she broke down. My heart felt like it broke too to see my baby in such pain and to think of what was to come for Asher. For six hours we waited, getting periodic updates like, he is on the bypass machine, he is doing well, he is off the bypass machine, just finishing up, etc, etc,During this time I felt the power of prayer..for the first time I actually "felt" the power of those who were praying for us and Asher and I knew peace. The pediatric heart surgeon came to see us and was very excited as to how well the surgery had gone. We felt relieved but had no idea what was to come as our little baby tried to recover from this tramatic assault on his little body. In the days that followed we waited and rejoiced in every milestone that told us he might one day come home. They extibated him, and we learned how to read all the monitors he was connected to. we knew when his oxygen was in trouble, and we held our breaths till it returned to normal. We tried to be patient until he could be moved out of the intensive care, we cried many tears of worry and frustration and watched around us as those in similar circumstances cried the same tears. We marveled at the wonderful nurses and doctors who were so very compassionate and caring not just for Asher but for us as well. We felt many times over those days that guardian angels dwell in the cicu of Primary Children's hospital. The day finally came when he was to move to the surgical ward and out of the cicu and we rejoiced once again. I was so glad I could be there for Willie and Chelsea so they could get some relief. I was able to spend the nights there when he was withdrawing from the powerful narcotics he was given. Just to hold him while they left his system, for there was truly no way to comfort him. But he was healing and all looked well it was just going to take some time, so we wished for time to pass quickly. The day finally came for him to come home, a month and a week after his birth and oh how happy were were,such joy filled out hearts, but we were all worried and wondered if we could take care of this little boy who had so many needs. After they arrived at the apartment so did all nurse and technichans who had to set everything up for him. Feeding tubes, oxygen and monitors were all part of him coming home. I looked and Chelsea and could see she was overwhelmed with it all. I just told her take day by day or hour by hour if she had to, and they began learning how to care for and become Ashers parents. The two weeks previous to him coming home Alan had come for a visit and it was a welcome relief to me. we managed to do a few things away from the hospital,but one day got called in an emergency to come to the hospital quickly.Asher had a seizure...when Chelsea was there by herself ...it was so scary for her. Alan and I had been lunching on temple square and had to grab the trax. It was a four larger block walk to the station...we ran there as quickly as we could and found Chelsea very distressed when we got to the hospital. It turned out after much testing that his calcium levels had dropped ,which was common after surgery ,that had caused the seizure. Alan and I managed to take in a session at the Salt Lake temple and that was where, sitting in the celestial room ,I felt peace and that everything would be fine I wasn't sure what fine would mean but I knew he was in the Lord's hands. After a week Alan returned home and Erin and Shannon arrived for a week. They were a welcome sight as they provided relief for all of us and stayed over night at the hospital so we could all get some much needed rest. After Asher came home Shannon quickly figured out his feeding machine and took over training Chelsea and making sure his feeds were done right and on time. By the time she went back home Chelsea was confident in being able to do this for Asher, and was very grateful for her sisters.The time quickly came for me to return home and again I thought my heart would break literally. I had become quite bonded to my little grandson.This was how some of our time together was spent. He loved to sleep in my arms and it so relaxed me when he did, that I nodded off too.The day I left I cried so many tears.. I felt so torn knowing I needed to come home but wanting to stay with Willie, Chelsea and Asher. When we got in the car to drive to the airport... I looked at Chelsea and said" I could be really angry at you right now for moving here!" but in my heart knowing that if she had not moved she might have never met Willie or had Asher to begin with. So I came home and they became more experienced being Ashers parents. Chelsea had to go back to work and Willies sister Malia came from the Marshall Islands to care for Asher. Life fell into a pattern for them and they looked to the day Asher would have his first surgery to start the repair on his cleft and on December 28th 2012 he started that journey with a very successful surgery. Yesterday February 13th 2013 he had to go for tests for his hearing and to check on his heart surgery. They did not turn out the way Chelsea and Willie hoped for. He has extensive hearing loss and has developed a condition that might require another open heart surgery in the not too distant future. So today once again I feel broken hearted. I find myself wondering what the future holds for my sweet grandson and his parents. Now they get to worry once again that they might lose their sweet child. I know we need to have faith and trust in the Lord and in his plan and I am trying, but today it is very hard. I know none of us knows how long our stay on this earth may be..I also know the pain of losing a child. So yet again we will fast and pray, give many blessings, love Asher with all our heart and try very hard to trust in the Lord and in His plan.

Invisible No More

In this journey I am on I have made several observations that I did not realize before. One being I am no longer invisible...and really didn't realize I was before my weight loss..As I go out I notice every day people interacting with me. Small conversations, smiles, hellos are a regular part of my day now as I run my errands... 40 lbs ago it was not the case. I was invisible I guess, because I don't remember conversations, smiles, hellos from strangers in my day. Some days it really takes my by surprise. It often lifts my spirits. In defense of the public.. I am sure some of it was my fault because my weight probably kept me from walking tall, feeling good about myself , maybe not projecting a friendly manor. I always thought of myself as friendly...but now I am really not sure what I projected each day. The most obvious experience occurred on Saturday. We had been at Costco during a fat load day( part of the diet) and decided to indulge in some ice cream. Alan had taken the boys and groceries and gone to the car. Shannon and I walked to the exit holding two of their big ice cream bars and two cups of frozen yogurt for the boys. A youngish man was at the door took a look at us and said to Shannon( in a flirty kind of way)" OOOOOOOH which one of these should I take...a wink and a big smile" When we got out of ear shot..both Shannon and I looked at each other and said" Okay before our weight loss that would NEVER have happened..most people would say nothing to two large ladies with ice cream...probably would have thought...something negative.It was a silly simple little thing. Shannon and I laughed and we did have an enjoyable moment and it did feel good....but as I thought about it later it made me a little sad about how we judge people and sometimes don't even realize we are doing it.... by our words, expressions and body language. It is a wake up call to me that as I embark on this new way of living to always be aware of how I portray my underlying feelings and to try NOT TO JUDGE anyone in anyway....

The Newest Family Members

In 2012 we added two new little ones to our family. Grandchildren 13&14 for us. Asher arrived with lots of drama and excitement on August 25th and Parker came a month and a day later on September 26th. I had arrived in Salt Lake City on August 23rd to be present at Asher's birth. He was the first child for Chelsea and Willie. They had been told earlier in her pregnancy that he would be born with a cleft lip and palate and they had prepared for that. They had gone to the cranial facial team at primary childrens hospital and had decided on a surgeon. Chelsea had done lots of research and joined a support group and they felt like they were prepared to face this challenge and were excited for Asher to be born. He was due on August 29th. I arrived on Thursday and Chelsea was still working...Friday was her last day before her maternity leave...so I decided to go into work with her in the morning and attend the temple...It was a beautiful sunny day and as I walked up to the temple doors I felt very grateful to be there. I really enjoyed the session and as I was leaving I felt very prompted to add Chelsea, Willie and Ashers names to the prayer roll...wasn't quite sure why I felt that way but did it anyway. I met Chelsea at the church office building for lunch and had a great afternoon walking around temple square and shopping in the City Creek shopping center. Met Chelsea after she finished work and went home together. Saturday morning when Chelsea woke up she was feeling "odd". She didn't think she was feeling the baby move the way she should have. It was really concerning her ...she tried several things that the doctor recommended to "wake" him up...but she didn't feel like anything worked. So she called the hospital and they told her to come in and be checked out...So we got ready and planned our day..we would stop at the hospital...and then be on doing the things we had planned. She really thought that it would be a simple test and within an hour we would be on our way. As soon as they strapped the monitor on her...within a short time decided that they would induce her...the babys heart rate was irratic and they were concerned...which really surprised her.She called Willie and he managed to get to the hospital fairly quickly but he came straight from work and really wanted to go home and shower...Things started to move pretty quickly after that...it seemed like every time the nurse came into the room the game plan changed...they finally decided on a c-section but the dr was at another hospital and would be there when the delivery was done...so willie was gonna go home and have his shower...he didn't even get off the parking lot..they called him back and within minutes they were on their way to the or poor willie trying to dress in scrubs on the way there. They took me to a waiting area and to say I was worriedI was crazy with worry.As I was sitting there they called a code blue to labor and delivery...I lost it...fortunately a nurse saw my panic and went to the or where they were and checked...she came back and told me they were almost done and would probably be back in the room with in 15min.Sure enough 15 minutes later they wheeled them down the hallway and I saw asher's sweet face for the first time....

We were sooooo grateful he was here safe and sound. The nurse told me on the way to the waiting area that they didn't think he would have survived in utero another day. He was 6lbs 2 oz and 19 inches long...and such a sweetie.There was much more we would find out later but that is for another blog. Parkers entry into this world was not without its drama too. Shelley had been dealing with high blood pressure issues for a couple of weeks and so they decided to induce. Keep in mind I was still in Salt Lake it seemed that worry over these two little ones was gonna be the way it was. So when I finally heard from Craig that he was here safe and sound I was very relieved. He was so darn cute and looked so much like his big sister.

We were very blessed. As each of these little ones come into our family I feel my heart growing that much bigger. There is such a feeling of contentment and peace. We now have nine grandsons and 5 granddaughters..so grateful for tender mercies on our behalf.

The New Me

Just looking at my Blog for the first time in a long time....long long time. I have started on a new journey...Actually most of my family has...we are changing our views on food and starting a new life style.Collectively we have lost almost 300 lbs. I hesitate to call it a diet...because for me diets have always failed. I am determined that this will not be a failure. To date according to my doctor I have lost 40 lbs...with 25 or so to go. My goal is : Sixty by Sixty which for me is now; I will celebrate my 60th birthday this year. I should be able to make my goal if I continue on the path I am on. It has been an interesting journey so far. I have struggled with this new image of me. I discovered I like the style of " fat" clothes. Finding a "new" style is not an easy thing. As I shop in the "normal"size clothing area of department stores... I feel out of place. Like someone is going to come up behind me and say " Hey what are YOU doing here?"One day as I was shopping a sales person was helping another woman and asked her her size...she said it was 16.. I looked at her and all I could think was... I am smaller than HER? Last week for the first time as I was trying on clothing...I had an epiphany ...the person looking back from the mirror was REALLY ME!!and I am starting to look GOOD! For me this has been a big realization that I need to change the image of me that I have stored in my brain all these years.I struggle with giving my big clothing away but I AM doing it albeit slowly.. I keep a "good will" box in my bedroom and am slowly filling up the boxes and getting them out of my house because THIS time there is NO going back!!! I didn't take before pictures...my mistake so now I am looking for pics of me before..if I find some good ones I will post them. This new year I also have a goal to write more about my life and thoughts.It seems like I always have good intentions but before I can turn around it is June and seeing I sometimes have a hard time remembering what I did yesterday...trying to write six months of a year are self defeating... So wish me luck and I will keep my blog posted

Oh Where oh Where have my children gone?

This past weekend all of my children were here. And my eleven grandchildren. This doesn't seem to happen often anymore as they are all grown with children and famlilies of their own ...with the exception of Chelsea who is living the life of a young single adult....but no longer living home.

The last time we were all together was for Chelsea's farewell before she left on a mission ot the Marshall Islands....three years ago....so it was an occaision for taking pics. After getting a pic of all of us....we were sitting around and I asked Erin's husband Graham to take her camera and for the siblings to all go out to the back yard and take a picture together...there were a few gripes( mostly from Craig..lol) but they wanted to make their mother happy( I think) and did as requested....resulting in the following incredibly beautiful pic...( thanks Graham and Erin)

As much as I love this pic, and I have known for a long time that my children have grown and left the nest( sort of) it made me just a little sad. Sad that my children are gone. so I decided to post a few of their pics of years past....just to compare and to reminisce just a little . Don't get me wrong I don't wish for them to be back home or little again......but after all this blog is called Michelle's Memories....and today I just wish to remember a little....I love you guys so very very much....you have made my life a wonderful journey!!! Thank you.....

All I can say is it is good we took pics at christmas or I may not have any....lol

Reflections of Christ

A few weeks ago our Stake had the privilege of hosting this exhibit....Refections of Christ by Mark Mabry. It is a series of photographs depicting the life of Christ. Alan and I were asked to host a shift or two. The first shift we took together was on a Sunday evening and we were posted at the front entry to direct people. Before we started our shift we walked through the exhibit but didn't have time to watch a video that went with it....regarding the making of the photographs.

We really enjoyed the exhibit and the spirit we felt there....we had a good time hosting and meeting and greeting those who came.

On tuesday I went to do a two hour shift on my own. I went early so I could watch the video about the how the photography was done. which was absolutely amazing! Then I was posted inside the exhibit by a table with a guest book.

So for two hours I sat and stood amongst these wonderful photos depicting the Savior listening to the uplifting music that went with it. I watched the faces of people as they came through and listened to comments. No where were people asked to whisper but the conversation was always in hushed tones, almost like the exhibit itself demanded reverence. Even the little children whispered and asked their parents many thoughtful questions. Most people came through several times...not wanting to leave the spirit they felt there.

At the end of the two hours I was reluctant to leave. I had felt the spirit soft and gentle for the whole time I was there. I found myself wishing I could come home and sell everything and just go and serve the Savior full time. I thought alot about the trappings of the world that encumber us. I thought about my old bishop and his favorite saying " We get so caught up in the thick of thin things" I don't know if that was his saying or not but it is sooooo very true. I found myself thinking over and over again" This is what it is all about....This is what is real and true". Then I thought about my first thought when asked to host...if I am being honest I would say the very first thought was " I am too busy".but because it was my dear friend Patti asking me I said of course I can help. What if I had said I was too busy I would have missed this spiritual feast. For what? Then I found myself wondering what other opportunities to serve have I missed out on?

Maybe a serious attitude adjustment is needed on my part....

But alas I did have to leave and the realities of this life do come to pass.... but I still find myself wondering what I can do to keep those feelings. How do I serve so that I feel that part of my heart and soul being filled? Truly what would the Savior have me do? My testimony of the Savior and His divine role was once again strengthened and my prayer is that I can strive to have His spirit with me always.

I have posted this video so you can feel a little of the spirit I felt during this two hour period..and if you have the opportunity to visit the exhibit....TAKE IT! It may change your life.