The Last and The First

All my girls and even my daughter in law have started blogging ...after enjoying their blogs for quite some time..I started thinking about creating one of my own. I was still resisting when I had an experience last night that made me feel this was the way I should go. So my title..the last because I am the last to sign on and the first because this is my first blog.

Now for the whole experience.....

A few days ago I signed on to view my youngest daughter Chelsea's blog...in her about me she listed she was the youngest of six. For a brief moment I thought she had made a mistake...for a very brief moment I forgot....for the first time in 27 years.

You see on August 13,1981 our fourth child, a son was born, he lived but a few short eight hours. They never found a reason for his death, his heart stopped shortly after he was born and it took them twenty minutes to start it again, he was rushed to a neonatal unit and passed away six hours later. We had not intended to call him after his father but in his passing felt it appropriate to call him Alan Frederick after his dad.

Needless to say it was a very difficult time for our young family...but back to Chelsea...Chelsea who has never forgotten. Chelsea was born almost four years later and in between our daughter Stephanie( who kept me sane) was born. Chelsea never knew her brother in this life but always talked about him ( once she could talk) and when ever we would visit his grave she would lie herself across his headstone and sob. She did this from the time she was a toddler and before she could talk and was told about him. We always felt that she must have had an incredible association with her brother before she came here. Eventually it became so tramatic for our family that we stopped taking her. I know that when she got older there were times she went there without us...and I know she has never forgotten.

In 1981 it was before the day that they realized it was theraputic for mothers to hold their dying babies... so I never held him...never kissed him,,,just touched him through the opening of his incubator before they took him away. Now they take pictures and keep them on file but they didn't then...no pictures ...just memories.

Back to the experience....last night it occured to me that August 13th had come and gone this year and I had forgotten....now if someone had told me that I would have a year when I would forget..I would have said NOT EVER! but I did. We were getting ready to go on holidays and it came and went without a thought or a tear...which had never happened before. Last night I was thinking about all these things and wanting to write them down in my journal.... I searched and searched and to no avail I could not find my journal...all the time a little voice saying...." you need to blog this" So after a sleepless night of thoughts and many tears....late but tears all the same...for my son who would be 27 this year...I said okay I will blog this...maybe someone who has a fresh loss in their lives needs to know that maybe someday life will take over and for a brief minute you will forget... like I did...but today I remember .